Archive for the ‘Social Media Marketing’ Category

Think Bottom Line, Not Top Line, on Social Media ROI

Wednesday, December 3rd, 2008

There’s been a lot of conversation lately about social media ROI but the hand-wringing about it is totally misplaced.

True ROI (return on investment) calculations are possible in cause/effect marketing scenarios where you can isolate tactics and variables to determine incremental revenue generated. Today, the only marketing programs that can semi-reliably generate “real” ROI calculations are SEO, PPC, email marketing, banner ads, and in some cases direct mail. Even these programs can only generate decent ROI calculations for e-commerce or lead generation.

Social media is anything but cause/effect. It’s by definition amorphous and circumstantial, and because it’s a two-way conversation rather than unilateral shouting, the customers control the frequency and intensity of the message in a way that they do not elsewhere.

Thus, true ROI measures a la SEO, PPC and their brethren are not possible for social media.

But, guess which other tactics suffer from fuzzy ROI calculations? TV. Radio. Print. Out-of-home. Public Relations. Event Sponsorship. Sky Writing. Paying People to Tattoo Their Bodies With Your Logo. Of course, being new and experimental and scary to many executives means that social media needs to prove its mettle more so than TV…

And that mettle can be proved, if you completely change how you think about social media. 

It’s About Customer Service, Not Sales

Almost universally, the concept of “ROI” is rooted in customer acquisition, and is comprised of these 3 questions:

  • How many new customers did we reach via this tactic?
  • What did they spend, or what are they likely to spend?
  • How does that revenue compare with what it cost us to create and distribute the message?
All of these conversations revolve around revenue generation. And revenue generation is NOT the best use of social media. Social media is better utilized as a manifestation of a corporate culture that respects and serves its customer, rather than as a new way to market the brand.
Social media is about creating repeat customers, not acquiring first-time customers. 
Consequently, your ROI analysis needs to focus on social media’s ability to turn customers into fans. Potential social media ROI calculations include:
  • Points of Light. Measure revenue generated from customers that you have engaged with in social media. Fiskars could do this (and they may be) by measuring scissor sales among customers registered to use the Fiskateers Web site
  • Lifetime Value. Measure average order frequency and annualized total purchases before and after your social media program launches. This necessitates some pre-social media measurement to set a baseline. 
  • Loyalty. Measure churn. How many customers quit you, and how much did that volume diminish after you started in social media? Comcast could do this (and they may be) to measure the impact of @comcastcares and their other outreach efforts.
  • Operations. A dollar saved is a dollar earned. How much have your expensive inbound customer service calls dropped since you started social media? (again, a good one for Comcast)
All of these metrics can prove actual ROI as long as you focus on the bottom line (loyalty and profit) and not the top line (new customer acquisition).

How Can You Measure Bottom Line ROI for Social Media in Your Organization? Leave a Comment With Your Ideas, Please.

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Jason Baer

The Power of Truth, Woot-Style

Tuesday, December 2nd, 2008

On a recent trip to New York, I was pondering the future of the in-flight magazine and bemoaning its general editorial shoddiness when I stumbled upon an extraordinary interview with Matt Rutledge from Woot about their policy of telling the truth and acknowledging mistakes. (hat tip to US Airways Magazine)

Since the first caveman painted a sign depicting always low prices, brands have believed in the primacy of telling people how great they are, even if it doesn’t square with reality. As my friend Roger Hurni from Off Madison Ave likes to say about Applebee’s (and others):

“If you have to tell customers you’re the neighborhood bar and grill, you’re definitely NOT the neighborhood bar and grill.”

Truth: What a Concept

Woot takes an entirely antithetical approach, and it’s working. Revenue this year is estimated to be $117 million, and staff has doubled recently to 110. The Woot model is based on telling the truth to the customer even if the truth isn’t positive, and using the resulting shock to build extreme loyalty. The Woot reviews of each product they sell are inspirationally objective. If the product has flaws, Woot makes sure you know about it before buying.

Here’s what Rutledge says about brutal honesty being a scarce commodity for U.S. consumers:

“Every commercial pitches a great product. Every magazine has a great product. Every small business is around because of their great product. Then it’s up to the consumer to find the truth.”

Bingo. A major reason honesty works as a marketing tactic (and therefore a main reason transparent customer service via social media works) is because it’s so entirely unexpected by a consumer audience that has been bullshitted to death. 

This is a nation of forgivers. If you apologize well, we’ll forget and forgive. Ask Mike Tyson. Ask Exxon. Ask Tylenol. Ask Firestone. Why more companies refuse to use truth as a marketing tactic and customer service as its delivery mechanism is maddening. 

Says Rutledge:

“By acknowledging our mistakes, we overcome negative feelings. That becomes the consumer experience that people brag about.” 

I’ll Woot! to that.Similar Posts That You Might Enjoy

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Jason Baer

An Amazing True Story of Cars, Bribes, and Customer Service

Monday, November 24th, 2008

(Originally posted on Off Madison Ave blog) Earlier this year, I received a FedEx envelope unexpectedly. It was from Infiniti (Nissan Motors USA). I purchased an Infiniti EX in late December, 2007.

Turns out, according to the letter enclosed in the FedEx, the window sticker on my vehicle listed a “rollover sensor” as standard equipment. Two questions immediately come to mind. First, what is a “rollover sensor”? Second, if you’re going to rollover, or already have done so, what good is a sensor at that point? It’s like a Google alert that says “guess what, you’re losing your ass in the stock market.” A little late.

I continue reading the letter…Apparently they did NOT include the rollover sensor in the car, and in fact had never planned to do so. However, because it was listed as included on the window sticker, Infiniti will immediately write me a check for $2000 or BUY THE CAR BACK FROM ME.

Again, questions come to mind. First, how fired is the person that included “rollover sensor” on the window sticker, and how glad is that person that they work in the U.S. instead of Malaysia or someplace where a firing squad would be readying? Second, is Infiniti just trying to buy me out of a potential class-action lawsuit? Third, have I ever seen such outrageously amazing customer service and proactive public relations?

Every Man Has His Price

I mean seriously. The chances that I would ever know or find out that the sensor was not included is just about nil. And even if I did find out, Infiniti could quite easily give me a free oil change and I’d be totally fine with it.

But to proactively draw my attention to it, send me a FedEx, and buy my silence for two grand? Wow. (Ironically, based on this blog post they have failed to buy my silence, but maybe this whole thing is an elaborate social media experiment by Infiniti to trigger good brand buzz around the EX). (Note: Since I originally posted this, I heard from a few other customers that received similar letters, but no groundswell for or against Infiniti seems to have occurred).

If social media’s ability to spread news (good and bad) like room temperature butter on a hot English muffin has resulted in this type of corporate get ahead of the curve-ness, then Viva Social Media.

What do you think? Good move by Infiniti? A waste of $2k per customer? Social media experiment?

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Jason Baer

Video Blog Post - 7 Deadly Sins of Social Media

Friday, November 21st, 2008

My first video blog. Apologies for the audio quality. I’ll work on that for next time. Comments most welcomed on this first effort. Thanks as always,
j

Download the sins as a PDF>>

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Jason Baer

9 Ways to Humanize Your Brand (with real humans)

Tuesday, November 18th, 2008

Humanize your brand with real humansMany companies are reluctant to fully dive in to social media, either because they are afraid of losing control, or because they believe their customers aren’t using social media. The latter is especially prevalent among B2B companies, and when viewed from a purely numerical perspective they may be right. (photo by The Dana Files)

An agency client of mine - Bliss PR - works with many large financial services companies whose customers are established CFOs. Are there 50-something CFOs using social media? Of course. Do most of them congregate in typical social media outposts? Probably not.

Consequently, my advice in these circumstances is to abandon an outpost strategy in favor of a humanization strategy. Find a thought leader in the organization, and make them the star, instead of the company itself. Chris Brogan calls these folks Trust Agents, and cites Frank Eliason from Comcast, Scott Monty from Ford and others as examples.

Related: Twitter interview of Scott Monty about social media at Ford.

I mostly concur, and I think for many brands it’s smart marketing (even beyond the huge potential customer service benefits).

9 Ingredients of a Humanization Campaign

For agencies, your role in a humanization campaign is almost like a publicist. Find ways to make the designated star a thought leader:

  • 1. Build and optimize a blog
  • 2. Reach out to other bloggers in the category for guest posts
  • 3. Syndicate content to vertical aggregation sites
  • 4. Publish white papers and ebooks, and/or conduct Webinars
  • 5. Create a few killer presentations and get them on SlideShare
  • 6. Do at least a little video blogging to make him/her three dimensional
  • 7. Hustle for speaking engagements
  • 8. Get on Twitter and make sure he/she sets aside time to really engage people
  • 9. Make sure current company customers know all about the initiative and are invited to partipate

By making a real person in a company the social media outreach vehicle, you can at times bypass potentially thorny legal and corporate confidence hurdles, and give the organization plausible deniability if it for some reason goes horribly wrong. “He went rogue!” they can cry.

Simultaneously, you get almost all of the benefits of a corporate-branded social media program. Honesty. Transparency. Engagement with customers.

Forrester is the king of this strategy. When was the last time you went to the Forrester Web site? Contrast that with the last time you went to Jeremiah Owyang’s site (or Peter Kim or Charlene Li before they left). See what I mean?

Does this humanization strategy work? Do you have other examples? 

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Jason Baer

Jason Falls - The Twitter 20 Interview about Social Media and Public Relations

Friday, November 14th, 2008

Featuring Jason Falls, the head of social media at branding agency Doe-Anderson, author of the Social Media Explorer blog, and all-around social media nice guy genius. Jason submitted himself to the rigors of the Twitter 20 interview (20 questions live on Twitter) on November 14, 2008. Excellent questions and comments from viewers throughout, too. Thanks to everyone who participated.

(photo by Shashi Bellamkonda)

From Jason Falls’ Keyboard to You: Interview Transcript

1. @jaybaer: How do you describe your role at Doe-Anderson (branding agency in Louisville)?

  • @jasonfalls: I advise our clients on social media strategy and educate them on using social media tools to communicate more effectively.

2. @jaybaer: How does your social media department intersect and interact with other parts of the agency?

  • @jasonfalls: We are integrated within the interactive department but with a strong tie to PR. However, Doe-Anderson cross trains and pollinates.

3. @jaybaer: You’ve expanded the team over time. What do you look for in a social media professional? Conversation ability? Tech skills?

  • @jasonfalls: You can’t be strong in social media programming and strategy without strong writing and conversation skills. Tech can be taught.

4. @jaybaer:(? from @geekmommy) Louisville doesn’t leap to mind re: social media/tech hotbeds. Easier or harder doing in from there?

  • @jasonfalls: @geekmommy is just jealous she doesn’t live in Silicon Holler. The Internet dissolves geographic barriers. I do what I do anywhere. 
  • @jasonfalls: And Louisville/Kentucky is responsible for @peterkim @mattcutts @pearsonified Drew Curtis, @robmay Profilactic, etc., etc., 

5. @jaybaer: What type of reporting and metrics do you focus on with your social media programs? Do you sync with interactive analytics?

  • @jasonfalls: We do sync with interactive analytics but try hard to set expectations to match the goals. Reach, relationships, conversations.

6. @jaybaer: Lots of discussion around where social media belongs. PR, marketing, customer service, etc. What’s your opinion?

  • @jasonfalls: Social media is an extension of good public relations, but should be a company-wide approach PR helps manage and facilitate

7. @jaybaer: Some say “listening” is an agency function, but “engaging” needs to be done by the client. Can the agency be the voice in SM?

  • @jasonfalls: Tough one. Depends on the client. If they can’t communicate well, then Dear Lord, don’t let them do it. 

8. @jaybaer: What do you say to clients that are afraid of really communicating via SM, and ONLY want to listen? How do you conquer fear?

  • @jasonfalls: The best way is to prove it to them - find a negative conversation and correct it. Show them how to turn the tide. Proof works.

9. @jaybaer: What’s missing then from most corporate social media programs you see today? What makes you say d’oh!

  • @jasonfalls: Strategic thinking. they just throw “viral” crap out there and call it social media. GTive your fans something to talk about, do.

10. @jaybaer: I hear you there re: lack of strategy. Conversely, what’s the most overrated aspect of SM today? 

  • @jasonfalls: Most overrated aspect is No. of followers. If you can’t get them to do anything, then what good are they…or what good are you?

11. @jaybaer: Do you advocate distinctly different outreach methodologies for bloggers and traditional journalists?

  • @jasonfalls: Absolutely NOT. Problem with most PR is they’ve been reaching out to traditional media wrong. Bloggers are teaching us that.

12. @jaybaer: Very interesting. You’re saying treat journalists like bloggers, not the other way around? Relevant, focused pitching, etc.?

  • @jasonfalls: Damn straight. Key to blogger outreach is relationships, same as traditional media. Why is this so hard for people to understand?

13. @jaybaer: Best examples of programs you’re really proud of? http://www.thestuffinside.com is legendary work. Others?

  • @jasonfalls: Wish others thought so (StuffInside). A lot of my good work is internal coms. But the Beam Baja Twitter Tracker was good thinking. 

14. @jaybaer: Were you a bourbon guy before coming to Doe-Anderson and Kentucky, or is that just an occupationally-acquired taste?

  • @jasonfalls: I’ve been a bourbon guy for a while. Raised in Kentucky. My father introduced me to Elijah Craig about 10 years ago. 

15. @jaybaer: A toast to you, sir. How did you gravitate from sports communications to PR and social media at an agency?

  • @jasonfalls: I’m schitzophrenic. Heh. I’m a communicator. It doesn’t matter what about. Do your homework, build relationships, talk. 

16. @jaybaer: How does the agency world compare to client side marketing (or university side in your case)? Resources? Pace? Juggling?

  • @jasonfalls: Agency life puts you behind the 8-ball for multiple clients at a time. It’s mind-boggling how much is expected. Not enough hrs. in a day.

17. @jaybaer: You did a lot of work in the education arena previously. What do you see from .edu in SM? How can they do it right?

  • @jasonfalls: Education and social media? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. They’re so anal about “protecting” students I’m shocked they have Websites.
  • @jasonfalls: Of course, I worked in college athletics. The NCAA is the biggest censor and fascist regime on the planet. SM and NCAA? Nope.

18. @jaybaer: You mentioned your kids (2 for me as well). Social media take a ton of time - often unpaid. How do you balance it all?

  • @jasonfalls: I’ve gotta pretty damn cool, hardworking and tolerant wife, first of all. But you just have to put it down.
  • @jasonfalls: I go dark some weekends and evenings until 8 p.m. because my kids come first. It’s not easy, but I don’t need to be big on Digg.

19. @jaybaer: Can you tell us a bit about http://www.twit2fit.com your social media wellness community?

  • @jasonfalls: Twit2Fit started as a lark and is now motivating and supporting over 200 on the Ning site, countless others here.

20. @jaybaer: Last one. What’s your summary 140 character advice for social media success?

  • @jasonfalls: Produce good content, treat people with respect, understand what goes around comes around and grow your network off-line, too.

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    Jason Baer

    My Mom Thinks Chris Brogan Plays Hockey

    Wednesday, November 12th, 2008

    I saw my mom the other day. She’s a pretty hip lady for 64. She was a high school teacher for about 30 years, and was always a student fave. Stylish. Knew the music. Knew the scene. Thought Patrick Swayze was hot. 

    Now, in her semi-retirement, she’s the editor for an online-only newspaper. She takes digital photos, uses a content management system, writes a little SEO copy. 

    She was asking about Convince & Convert and how it was going. I told her it was coming along nicely, that subscriptions to the blog were way up, and that people like Chris Brogan were saying favorable things about it. 

    “Chris Brogan? Who’s that? Doesn’t he play for the Coyotes?” she asked. 

    While I was surprised at how imposing a character Brogan is when I met him recently at Marketing Profs Digital Mixer, I’m pretty sure that he in fact does not play hockey in the NHL. (photo by Brian Solis)

    And there’s the lesson.

    Social media makes it simple to get wrapped up in our world. Reading blogs, tracking tweets, doing consulting. It’s easy to overlook that none of this passes the Mom test. 

    SEO passes the Mom test. Email passes. Tivo passes. iPhone passes (at least conceptually). Of course there are elements of social media that pass (MySpace, and increasingly Facebook). But as a discipline, social media and its practitioners absolutely do not pass. Not even Chris Brogan and Gary Vaynerchuk

    Keep it Real

    I find conferences exacerbate this effect. I was at PodCampAZ recently (hat tip to Brogan and Chris Penn for starting it all, and high five to Evo Terra and Brent Spore for a great job on this year’s AZ version). I probably shouldn’t have been, but I was flat out astonished at the number of content creators in the audience. Watching a live stream of a room that I was in, and having that stream coming from the laptop of the guy sitting next to me was Matrix-esque. 

    The fact that in 550 years we’ve gone from the invention of the printing press to a world where every kid with a cell phone is a potential real-time broadcaster is exhilarating. But it doesn’t pass the Mom test. The recent Forrester technographics study update backs me up. Only 21 percent of Internet users are classified as content creators. 25+ percent of people are unlikely to create online content any time soon. 

    The Time Will Come

    It’s easy to become frustrated with brands that don’t get it. Marketing directors that refuse to engage in social media. Twitter spammers. Bad pitches from PR folks  that have never read your blog. (nice case study from Dave Fleet) And on and on.

    But what we can’t forget as an industry (if it can even be called that) is that we are at the very tip of the spear. We’re where SEO was 10 years ago. Where television was 50 years ago.

    We can’t expect a business community that has been fundamentally operating under the same marketing principles since the invention of the newspaper to immediately embrace this new opportunity en masse, regardless of how obvious the benefits of doing so may appear to us. 

    As my Mom used to tell me, “Be Patient. Your Time Will Come.” And when she knows Brogan, we’ll know it has indeed arrived. 

    Do you agree? Does social media fail the Mom test for now? Are we overeager about social media?

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    Jason Baer

    The Paradox of Social Media Control

    Tuesday, November 11th, 2008

    As discussed recently in “Why Are We So Scared of Our Customers?” and “Presto, How Social Media Makes Bad News Good” I’m seeing the fear of negativity preventing more companies from embracing social media. 

    The typical social media objection is that if the company has a conversation with consumers in a public forum, the company will be forced to respond to inadequacies, and doing so will just make it worse. Consequently, many large brands are now engaged in social media “listening” campaigns, but not engaging with consumers directly. 

    Sometimes Letting Go Allows You to Steer

    Of course, listening is better than ignoring, but actually getting involved with your customers online doesn’t give you less control, it gives you MORE control. If you give customers a legitimate, easy-to-use mechanism for interacting with you and amongst themselves, a large component of the feedback about you is likely to end up within that mechanism. And then you can do something about it. 

    Consider Comcast. What is a better circumstance for the company, listening but not engaging while customers post videos like this (which you’ve probably seen since the original has been viewed 1.35 million+ times on YouTube), or engaging and actually encouraging customer feedback and complaint via Twitter (@comcastcares)? (read bottom up for killer customer service on Twitter from Frank Eliason at Comcast)

    Control Via Facilitation

    Dell has a Project RED application on Facebook. Within the forums, there are several consumer complaints about Project RED and how much it actually helps Africa, versus being a craven marketing ploy. While Dell itself doesn’t appear to be engaging in the dialog, it is facilitating the conversation (with other consumers defending Dell vociferously).

    And because all of this is happening on an official Dell production, they have MORE control over it than if it was happening on a blog or some other Facebook page. They could comment officially. They could take down the forums. They could reach out privately to negative commenters. 

    If this conversation was taking place on some other blog, Dell’s options would be greatly curtailed.

    Creating a mechanism for customer feedback using social media is the post-modern equivalent of the suggestion box. Brands that don’t do it because they don’t want to loose control don’t understand that facilitation provides control, it doesn’t eliminate it. 

    What do you think? Do you have examples of brands facilitating customer dialog using social media? Your comments are my food.

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    Jason Baer

    3 Reasons the Recession is Great News for Social Media

    Thursday, November 6th, 2008

    This recession is looking worse than Sylvester Stallone all roided up for that recent Rambo 14 (Rambo goes to the buffet for the Early Bird Special with some pals) movie.

    It’s going to be bad. But for social media, it just might be the best possible circumstance. Here’s why:

    1. Smart Buying

    Consumer confidence is at an all-time low. We’re not exactly rushing to the nearest mall to make discretionary purchases. But because money is tight, we’ll want to make sure we make the best possible purchase when we do make them. 

    Enter social media. 

    Traffic is of course up for sites like Yelp, Amazon, Trip Advisor, DPreview.com and other review sites because of the impending holiday season. However, I believe sites that enable consumers to benefit from the experiences of prior customers to continue skyrocketing long after the holidays are over. 

    If we’re going to part with decreasing dollars, we’re going to make sure it’s a good product first. 

    2. Shared Angst

    This recession is the first piece of long-lasting major bad news that has occurred in the social media era. Certainly the Iraq war qualifies as bad news, but it’s day-to-day impact on Americans has been mostly negligible, except of course for those served and their families. (Thank you for enabling me to live in a country where I can make a living writing blog posts and telling people how to do social media and send good email)

    The ins and outs and ups and downs of this recession and its impact, duration, and cause are going to be a major topic of conversation in this country for two to five years. 

    Enter social media. 

    You can Tweet using the #recession hashtag, or send a friend a bowl of soup via a Facebook app. Seriously, we’re going to use social media to discuss and micro-analyze our deteriorating economic condition because it’s faster, more customizable, and in many cases more honest than real media.

    I can talk to real people at a local restaurant about the recession, but then I’m only getting the local perspective. On Twitter, I can get the perspective of most of the country. That’s why social media will be the recession’s barber shop.

    3. You’re Grounded

    First the gas crunch. Then, the “if you want oxygen on your flight, it’s $20″ routine. Now, the recession. 

    Companies are going to cut back on travel considerably. 

    Enter social media.

    The conferences and symposiums of the roaring 00s are going to be replaced by Webinars, Webcasts, UStreams, SlideShare and other forms of digital information exchange that will dominate the bummer 10s. 

    If I owned a conference company, I’d be working like crazy right now to figure out a virtual delivery component, because given the quality of freely available content online, it’s getting tougher and tougher to justify an in-person experience. 

    What do you think? Do you agree that the recession could actually help social media?

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    Jason Baer

    Why Are We So Scared of Our Customers?

    Monday, November 3rd, 2008

    Photo by CaptureQueen via FlickrMany companies and even agencies are reluctant to engage in social media because they are afraid that some sort of consumer backlash will occur, doing damage to the brand.

    Certainly, there are a few noteworthy examples of social media missteps from brands like Wal-Mart, Coca-Cola et al. But in most cases, those shortcomings were due to overreaching “let’s make something like Facebook, but all about Coke” and no lasting brand damage has occurred.

    What I see is that most companies know they have some sort of operational or customer satisfaction skeletons in the closet, and fear a customer that has had a genuinely inadequate experience pointing out those shortcomings to an audience that is far larger than one.

    But isn’t it possible that those same customers will shine the light on truly excellent facets of the company? Now that they have their social media program rolling, does Comcast fear feedback from it’s customers? No, because that feedback is an opportunity to improve.

    Don’t Assume The Worst, Here’s Why

    In the spirit of not assuming the worst case scenario, I’m sharing the story below which is both seasonal and a shining example of how fear can seem so reasonable, but be so wrong. I hope you enjoy it.

    My wife woke me late at night in mid-October. “Did you hear that noise?” “What noise?” I answered groggily. But then I heard it too. Perhaps best described as a mild ruckus, it sounded like muffled conversation mixed with opening and closing of cabinets.

    I listened attentively, now very much awake and with the building sense of unease and dread that makes our fingertips tingle. I scanned the room for a weapon. Seeing none other than a clock radio, I quietly opened our bedroom door and crept out onto the second floor landing. The noises were definitely coming from below, on the first floor living area.

    Not really sure what to do next, I shouted out “Hey, who is that? What’s going on?” in a tone that attempted to be menacing but came out warbly and meek. The noise stopped. Uh oh.

    I darted back inside the bedroom, and grabbed the phone. “I’m calling 911,” I said to my wife. “We’re being robbed.” A flash of panic across her face as she ran quietly down the hall to the kids’ bedrooms, scooping them up and returning to our room, trying to keep them quiet and unpanicked.

    I explained to the 911 operator that we had a home intruder. She said that the police were on the way, and asked if I could see the street. From the landing, I could see out of a high second floor window and watched as the police vehicles approached. My heart was beating so hard it felt like my sternum was breaking, but I’d never been happier to live in the house on the corner – right by the main road.

    I lost sight of the police when they turned into our development, and the phone was unsettlingly quiet for a long time when the operator said “please stay on the line and I’ll relay instructions to you from the officers outside.”

    A minute went by. Then five. What was going on? Was there a driveway altercation? A foot chase? My mind was filled with Tasered bad guys lying sobbing and unremorseful in my plants.

    Then finally, the operator spoke. “Sir, the officers are unable to come to the front door.” “Oh my God. Why not?” I said, reaching a crescendo of paranoia. “Your house is surrounded by a pack of javelinas,” she said.

    (Note: Javelinas are wild pigs with tusks that live in the desert southwest. Also known as peccaries, they run in packs and can be quite unpleasant. However, they are not typically thieves)

    Five or six moments of confusion later, the whole family was gathered at the front door, looking outside as the police engaged in a vehicular roundup of approximately 15 javelinas who had ventured down from the mountains near our house to absolutely annihilate our pumpkins that we had preciously placed near the front door. It looked like grenades had been detonated inside the pumpkins, as our entire yard was covered with fleshy, orange debris.

    Evidently, it had been quite a party for the javelinas, who had snorted and moaned and bumped against our front doors, sounding like a band of smash and grab burglars looting and pillaging.

    After hanging up with the operator and resuming a mostly normal pulse, the doorbell rang. I opened the door and the police officer said “We’re happy to look around inside, but we’re pretty sure it was those pigs.”

    Smart ass.

    That night actually began a reign of javelina terror, as they visited our neighborhood many times in the next few weeks. A dead one was found by the neighbors. Plants were eaten. Roses destroyed. Meetings conducted. Eventually, they moved on. Many local residents were visited by the javelinas, although I was the only one that called the cops.

    Do you have a story of expecting the worst? Please share it in the comments

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    Jason Baer